5/9/12 Dream

I woke up this morning with a vivid dream in my head. Somehow I had the ability to go back in time, however, I only used it to go back and fix all the mistakes that I made with Zoe but to no avail, the outcome ended up the same. There was nothing I could do. In the end she ended up with someone much more deserving than myself. Finally, I kissed her hand and wished her all the happiness in the world.  Whilst, I was tremendously sad that I had to let her go, more than anything, her happiness, her smile was all that was important to me.

Personally I find dreams to be the key to our most inner desires. Always I find that I am, just sitting there watching a dream play out, something like a movie. I have no control of my actions, what really only happens would be if I was in the same given situation. 

At the end of the day... I am still doing what I can, I would still give up everything that I know and everything that I have.

28/8/12 Past

The past is the past, the present is the present and the future is the future. I made so many mistakes in the past and I have no doubt that I will continue to make them. I have been seriously thinking about my future and a future without you in it, is something I don't want. Like I said before, I know the right one is worth waiting for and... I will wait. A day doesn't go by that I am not thinking of you, whenever I get a phone message I always hope its you.

My present is simply, to make our future a reality, you are still and will always be my world. I just hope you still see a future of us together, that is what I am clinging to. No matter what it takes, no mater how long it takes. Time is irrelevant.

17/8/12 Packed!

What a day.

Hit the gym at about 7:30 am this morning with Brian. I have stuck it out this beginners weight program for 4 whole weeks, 3 sessions, Mon-Wed-Fri. I noticed some gains but I HAVE to make sure I get enough sleep, definitely not my best session... 2 weeks to go and I will switch it up to something far more interesting. Brian isn't doing too bad either, he has finally listened to me and cut down from his ridiculous 5 sets down to 3. No doubt he will be thanking me.

Scouted out a new lunch haunt near my uni, SCORE! $10 lunches that comes with fine dining? Thank You, I will be back. Meals looked  impressive and tasted quite good. Dinner menu looked a bit pricey but based on the lunch service I wouldn't mind checking it out one day. Nice call Willie, lunch is on me next week, I will try to find somewhere good... UNLESS you still haven't got your resume done. Just how long have I been trying to get you to finish it?

ILU hit share price hit 10.87 today. It is highest it has been in over a month, it is the first stock I bought and its already +6.57%, I suppose it is in anticipation for the half yearly report in the coming days. Will have wait to see how the market reacts to the report, I suspect it will keep going up based on its quarterly report... I did plan to sell at 10% but perhaps I can aim for much higher. Ride the up trend as they say. May have to set a stop loss in place. I doubt I will regret switching my major to Finance.

On another note, I truly appreciate that you sending that message, you didn't have to but you still did. I have no idea what your going through nor am I going to pretend I know how hard everything is. I have over reacted again and again. I have a tendency to make small things seem big. I just want to be part of your life.

Capping the day off with an 8hr work shift, lovely.

12/8/12 Fool

These last couple days have really messed with me. I thought I was much stronger than this but I guess I was wrong. I don't want to be one of those guys that go... "its over because she deleted me off Facebook" but the thing is, if she did that it means that she no longer wants me to be part of her life. And should I really be chasing, heck pining over someone who did that? I want to be able to say that I don't care but I do. I shared and let this person right into my life and I would have given up everything for her... is that not what girl want? Judging by how things turned out I have to say no. I keep having that movie "Hitch" staring Will Smith pop into my mind, I can draw so many parallels from anguish and heartache he felt for his first love.

I should've figured out when she was practically ignoring me a few weeks ago it would lead to this, I was foolish to think that a break meant anything other than a break-up. I have thought of her every single day but it has been almost a week since I have last heard from her, and one month since I last saw her. The worst thing someone can do to someone else is to ignore them and this is what is happening to me. Right now, if she were to ask to take me back, I can't say I would say yes. Love is a strange emotion.

8/8/12 Ignorance

Sometimes I say before I think, I have noticed that there are times I just blurt out the first thing that comes to mind without any regard to what others are going through. Again, I made that mistake.I belittled how hard you are working. Its no excuse I didn't know the extent of your situation, you never told me. I wish to apologise but the damage has been done. I do hope everything we did speak of before is still valid. It is something I am clinging to, no matter how small or little chance it may be.

4/8/12 Emotions

My mental state hasn't been quite stable the last couple weeks and I know exactly why. Imagine you are head of heels for someone, someone you can already picture the rest of your life with and suddenly they begin to distance themselves from you. Perhaps its something you did, perhaps it was something you didn't do, perhaps there is something you need to do. Been such a long time since I have had a proper talk with her, and I don't know where I stand right now. So many thoughts are running through my head since we went on this 'break' or 'break up'. See even this I am not so clear about, sigh, how can I be so unsure? I wouldn't be surprised if I just lose my mind. She lives so close, yet now it feels so far.Will become no more than a stranger despite everything that has happened? By the same token, am I belittling the strength of our relationship? Can I even call what we have now a relationship? Heck, am I over thinking things?

3/8/12 Distractions

Since that a few weeks ago, I have constantly been trying to distract myself and keep myself occupied. Training, School and Work is what I have been doing with a majority of my time. The first of which is good, with the whole release of endorphins (making me happy.. temporarily). School is well just school and work is what I dread.... 8 hours left alone to wonder in my thoughts. Things have been far from easy as of late and I have not sure when they are going to get any easier. Feelings are truly the bane and the joy of the life. Why must everything be so complicated? Is it too much for everything to be simple as it was before?

25/7/12 Where to start?

I have no clue where to start.. it has been so long since my last post.

Although not much has changed, much has also. The main highlight I have had over the past couple months is simply Zoe. Granted we have had some problems here and there, we have managed to work through them. The time we have spent together these past months is just, unforgettable. However, this brings me to this. We have broken up.

I feel we have been torn apart by circumstances rather than a lack of feelings for one another. The thing is I can't imagine my life without her. I decided a while ago that she was the one. I can't give my heart to anyone else because I have already given it to you. As you said we are still young and I know that, I know that I can't offer you anything at this time but that will change and I can assure you that no one would love you as much I do. I would give up anything and everything if you were only to ask. Recently I was struggling to find out what I wanted in life, but now I know... I don't care how long it takes but I want you and only you. You are my life.

It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, I can't imagine my future without you, however bleak that future is of us together is, it will become a reality.

19/4/12 Give up

I Give up

2/4/12 Relapse

Way to go Victor.
Love my Self-esteem.

Congratulations on wrecking her morning and put a tarnish on the rest of the day. Whats wrong with me? Do I really let my feelings of inadequacy spoil the precious time I had with Zoe? Yes I did. Wow. Jerk much? Can't even explain what happened, felt like someone just flipped the "not-good-enough switch". To think her happiness means everything to me and I just went there and stomped on it. She saw the negative side of me today... now all I can think about is what damage I have done to us. Will she forgive me? Am I thinking too much? Don't I always. There's another good habit. I remember someone saying that "Discipline is remembering what you want." What I said a long time ago still stands, I want to be with her forever.

Need to man up and get hold myself. You are better than this. Stop with the talk and do something about it Victor. All you have to do is be the person you always wish to be, the person that you are capable of. Is it that hard? All you have to do is listen to yourself. You know what is right. You know what you have to do. Just get out there and do the DAMN thing.

9/3/12 Preparations

Tomorrow, tomorrow, my awesome weekend begins.I am really excited, get to spend the next couple days with Zoe with absolutely no distractions. Spent a bit of the day trying to organise where I am going and get a few last minute things that we might need, as well as packing all my gear.

In terms of plans not a whole lot is set in stone. We are heading to a place just South West of Melbourne called Mornington Peninsula, there is some life size hedge mazes we are going to check out and there is a hotel booked already. The next day we have a booking at a nearby hot springs. In terms of everything else, we are going to just see whats there and quite literally see where the road takes us. Usually I plan and plan and plan to get everything down organized to a T but this time I think I am just trying to go with the flow. However, I will write up a list of possible destinations just in case we are looking for something specific to do or see. It will no doubt be a unforgettable weekend.

8/3/12 Happy B-day to ME

There we have it, another year gone. Hey... look I am 22 years old. Its hard to believe another year has just flown past. It has been a year of seemingly bad decisions but they have all come and gone. There is no need to dwell on the past. Forward is where I am looking and it should be the only place I should be looking. What I want to do with myself, where I see myself, and most importantly the steps I need to take to ensure that I get there.

I was the smartest person in the world and signed up for work on my birthday, meaning I was working for the first 6 hours of this glorious day BUT I pulled through because I knew after it was done I was going to have breakfast with Zoe. Rocked up for barely 2 hours with Mc Donalds in hand but you know what it was worth it. What ever little time I spend with Zoe is just wow, she is it. There will never be anyone else that makes me feel that way I do about her. Everyday I will strive to make myself a better person for you... because its what you deserve. Oh yes, that jacket you got me is just smashing. It was completely unexpected. Its so good, I am scared to wear it! I will be sure to take great care of it, count my word on it.

After a sad parting I had uni for a couple hours and literally crashed at home... I worked it out and I had been running for a good 18 hours without sleep. Some birthday effort right? Yeah I think so too. It wasn't over then... after a quick nap it was a family dinner and it was lovely. Had a yummy home cooked chocolate cake as well as crispy roast pork, chicken wings with fried rice. Take a look below.. Yummy huh?

I know myself better than anyone else and I know I hide how I truly feel sometimes, there have been times where I just feel down and regret some of the things I have done or the opportunities I have neglected to grab... but as I just mentioned there is no need to look back, only forward. For this year I refuse to let myself feel down and out, this type of thinking is counter productive, I will simply just dust myself off and get back up. It is the way it needs to be and its the way it should be. I have spent so much time coming up with excuses to put things off but no more, this marks my year of change. This year I will do what I can to be that person inside, the person I always wished myself to me.

 

So ends a great day, I am looking forward to my weekend more than you could imagine

6/3/12 Home Cooked Meal

Was a rather interesting day. Had me first day back at university and it was kind of cool. Ran into a old friend from last semester in one of my new classes. We wasted no time in getting together as a group for an upcoming assignment. Grouped up with 4 others as it was a big assignment worth 40% of our final grade, got all our e-mails, contract details and I have set up a Facebook group page to give us a easier method of communication.

Zoe. Zoe. Zoe.

It is her birthday tomorrow but I had a feeling that I wouldn't be able to spend much time with her on her special day... so I decided to come over for dinner and spend a couple hours with her. Gosh I am so happy I did. She cooked a absolutely lovely home cooked meal. She is much better than I thought she was... full of so many surprises.  Look at this meal... I am looking forward to eating her meals in the future.. Maybe I will be able to cook for her myself one day?

I must say I am so happy she was pleased with her gift. Like I mentioned in an earlier post she moved into a new place and I knew, just knew she needed something like a vacuum cleaner heck she even mentioned it to me. Of course the apartment is too small to warrant getting a big one so I picked out a nice handheld one... with 18V I have no doubts it will get the job done. Just hope she will love her Christmas present... Already got one in mind. Am I thinking too far ahead?

One question I keep asking myself is how is something like her with someone like me? Am I worthy of such a person? She hopes so... and for that I am extremely grateful... I will do everything I can to make her as happy as I can and convince myself that I am deserving of such a person.

29/2/12 New digs

Got to see Zoe's new apartment today. Bigger than I thought it would be and it seems like she is loving it. I was a lovely evening, can't say I helped her unpack though but still I enjoyed the time we spent together. Already looking forward to next time.

24/2/12 Room 207

The other day I spent with Zoe we spent some time looking at some apartments, its crazy to think that she is alreade letting me into her life but I wouldn't have it any other way. Despite our little time together I believe we can say for certain our feelings for each other are the real thing.

We checked out 2 places in Box Hill. The funny thing is that the first place was further away from the Box Hill central and was both more expensive and smaller than the place we checked out soon after. Needless to say, we immediately made an application and applied for the second location which is only about 15 min for my house I am pleased to mention! Now for the good part... It only took half a day but already accepted. Wow. It seems when everything appears to be going bad, it just turned around and everything just works out. Crazy world. Perhaps I am blowing this out of proportion but it seems to me that we are meant to be together.

ROOM 207 IS OURS. By ours I mean hers but still I know I will be visiting her fairly often now...

In other news I had a gym session today but gosh so bad! I had a lot of broken sleep not to mention the day before was rather "tiring". I still got a workout out I guess, but with a few of the exercises I did have to drop the weight level I was at. Mental note... make sure I get enough rest before my session.

23/2/12 Wonderful

I can sum today in simply one word... Wonderful.

22/2/12 Perfect

I finally met with her yesterday... met with my Zoe. Everything went as well as you could imagine. The chemistry we had throughout short time through messaging and few video chats transferred over to real life. With that said, we felt so comfortable with each other. Its hard to think that was quite literally our first date. So many firsts today for me, but easily the best one is what happened before the photo.. our first kiss :). Gosh even now just thinking her still makes my heart flutter, she still has a massive effect over me, it seems I was worried for nothing. ZOE.. LOVE YOU!

In another news, had a decent gym session. Went up in weights with a number of exercises, although still the dumbbell shoulder press is a problem for me... 16kg is easy for 18kg too much haha. I know what I need to do, no need to stress.

20/2/12 Couple hours...

 

The wait will be over so very soon... to think its already coming to an en seems rather unreal. Can't wait to see her. We have said so much and felt so much about each other now we finally get the elusive first meeting. I have thought about what I would do or say but I still I haven't come up with anything. Ahh... Just go with the flow? Seems I shall. I will try to not think about it too much else the wait will seem that much longer even though we are in the home stretch already.

Current workout progress is below....

Week 3 Progress
Weight: 65.4 kg
Photos:

18/2/12 Springs

My birthday weekend is getting closer to being finally organized. I booked our hot springs today, just opted for public bathing... but its good next time we will have a good hour or two in our own special place. I guess I just don't want to go too over the top with the weekend... Already got our next destination picked out! In terms of organizing this one, I have been putting it for a little while but time is a a wasting and got to get it done as soon as I can. On this topic guess who comes back in a matter of days? I will save you the trouble... Zoe does! Hard to believe how close we have become over these past couple weeks. It has been a long and anxious wait and probably will become more so in the next day or so but I am excited yet nervous. Every hour is bringing us closer together. An hour at a time... an hour at a time.

11/2/12 Opps + Skype

I skipped out of my post last night. The thing is work called me in early so I didn't get to post when I wanted to hence the whole "I will post tomorrow." Honestly nothing particularly interesting happened yesterday happened.

I trip a trip to the gym with Brian; I was a tad worried because he said his leg was playing up. Perhaps a muscle strain? Anyway, it turned out to be a decent session. He really pushed himself and was capable of much more than when we first started. I was interested to see the changes at the end of this 6 week training program. Personally I did okay… Think I could’ve done better. My motivation levels were dropped by the end of the session. Mental note… make sure we don’t waste too much time in between sets. Shortly after a nap I went to work. That was pretty much the day. As I previously mentioned nothing special. Just “Another day”.

That brings me to today…. GUESS WHO GOT THEIR WEBCAM? Well you don’t have to... Zoe did. FINALLY. Why she didn’t go out and buy one from the shop I don’t know but I am happy she finally got one. Really looking forward to our video calls together. We already had a quick say 20 minutes or so and yes she is as gorgeous as the pictures… You know what? She thinks I am cute!

Also it’s worth noting I ordered something special for Zoe and myself…. Hehe I am sure we will get a lot of use out of it won’t we?