8/10/12 Happy?

What does it take to be happy? I know what it takes but it all seems so impossible right now. Back to pretending anything and everything is okay with this fake smile on my face. That, I know is something I am good at.

5/9/12 Dream

I woke up this morning with a vivid dream in my head. Somehow I had the ability to go back in time, however, I only used it to go back and fix all the mistakes that I made with Zoe but to no avail, the outcome ended up the same. There was nothing I could do. In the end she ended up with someone much more deserving than myself. Finally, I kissed her hand and wished her all the happiness in the world.  Whilst, I was tremendously sad that I had to let her go, more than anything, her happiness, her smile was all that was important to me.

Personally I find dreams to be the key to our most inner desires. Always I find that I am, just sitting there watching a dream play out, something like a movie. I have no control of my actions, what really only happens would be if I was in the same given situation. 

At the end of the day... I am still doing what I can, I would still give up everything that I know and everything that I have.

28/8/12 Past

The past is the past, the present is the present and the future is the future. I made so many mistakes in the past and I have no doubt that I will continue to make them. I have been seriously thinking about my future and a future without you in it, is something I don't want. Like I said before, I know the right one is worth waiting for and... I will wait. A day doesn't go by that I am not thinking of you, whenever I get a phone message I always hope its you.

My present is simply, to make our future a reality, you are still and will always be my world. I just hope you still see a future of us together, that is what I am clinging to. No matter what it takes, no mater how long it takes. Time is irrelevant.

24/8/12 Limitations

There are no limits. There is nothing you can't do if you put in everything you have got. If are you are willing to put in all the hard work and earn it, who is to say you can't do it? No one. Everything worth doing is hard, if it was easy everyone would be doing it. The only thing that separates those who are successful and there who aren't, is simply those who are willing to what needs to be done.

7/5/12 Yet another

"Wrapped up in the desire to improve themselves, year in, year out, that desire is a great source of power. It will become your strength."

3/5/12 Resonates

This page simply resonates with me and my personality. It is a page from Sun-Ken-Rock (vol 12, ch12), something you would not expect when you are reading a gang-related manga. Like Ken, when I am focused, with no distractions I always surprise myself of what I am able to accomplish. Simple minded focus is a powerful weapon, just need to ensure I use it far more than I have been in the past.

1/5/12 Pro-active

Well Well Well... I ran into an old friend at the shopping centre the other day and wow. Its surprising how long it has been since I have last seen him. Basically he was the one who always made the dates to meet up and hang out but when he stopped doing that we simply stopped hanging out, needless to say I never really made a effort. I guess I expected him too since he always had in the past. By long, I am talking about 2 years. Time really flies, doesn't it? In any case this chance meeting has made me reflect a little bit of how I am treating those close to me and what I expect of them. Over the years I have come to realise I have been somewhat isolating myself and this is something that needs to chance. I do treasure my friends relationships, I have always put them on a pedestal especially with those I feel close too BUT for relationships to truly prosper effort must be made on both sides. Honestly, its not something I am quite used too but I don't want years to go by again without my realising.

Time to be proactive.

29/4/12 Ungrateful

What a rough couple days, doesn't look like it is going to get easier either. Whilst saying this, how can I be so ungrateful for what I have yet others who have less be much happier and far more content? Sure I have had a rough couple of days but this pales in comparison the lives of many, I don’t know how lucky I am. Time to put that smile back on and one day I will mean it.

26/4/12 Back in the Saddle

First off. Sorry. I can't apologize enough for what I didn't do the other night, it will be something I will be thinking of for the rest of my life. I let you down. I know that, there is nothing I can do to make for it. It is another one of those moments I would do differently if I had another chance. I don't know how long, or if you ever, will forgive me but if that day ever comes I will be sure to make sure you don't regret it. Just know that for the rest of my life I won't let anything like this happen again.

Now I got that off my chest, I shall move on. It has been a while since I have looked at and taken my studies seriously. I have fallen behind in university workload but I have no doubt I will be able to catch right back up in a week or so if I keep up what I did today. It is surprising much you can do when you are focused. I have someone to thank for that, it was hard to hear but someone had to tell me and I thank you. You have some high standards (in a good way) of what you want. Right now I understand I don’t fit the bill, but please wait for me, you flipped the switch… everything is slowly changing.

For those who remember my 30 day challenge? Sometime last year I decided to write "One Blade" for 30 days although it only lasted 10 or so days, I only stopped when I realised I was plagiarising someone else’s work a little bit. Re-reading some of me actually did impress me somewhat. One day the epic tales of adventure and fantasy of KINSEY will return this I assure you. Back on point, the challenge is coming back. In terms of me personally, I am going to try some positive affirmation every single morning and night. Quite frankly I have been telling myself some rather negative things for a very long time and over time I have begun to believe it, so with this in mind, if I do the opposite then the opposite will too will happen. Starting date: 26/4/2012

In other news... League of Legends is going going gone! In addition, my XBOX 360 is going to be listed eBay on Sunday - doesn't get any use at all since I got it, merely a DVD player. I don’t expect to get much considering some completed listing only managed to get $250-$300 or so but if I managed to get rid of it for a little cash little as it may be. It will go.

This is quite a lengthy post and it could have been longer but I shall sign off at this point. A lot is going on with me mentally and personally and these coming weeks will be a true test.

21/4/12 Ready, Set Go...

This is a only a little over a month till exams but I got a lot to catch up on yet there is still things I want to do outside of school work... like work and train just to name a few. Quite frankly, the biggest responsibility I have is to myself and my future. I have been letting myself down in so many way in these past months for a variety of reasons and I have come to the point where I am sick of it. Time to focus and get a move on. In this short time we spend on in this world, it takes too long for us to realise that Time is short and most of all Time is precious.

19/4/12 Give up

I Give up

17/4/12 Slapped in the face

Watch out don't get slapped!!

I think I had my wake up call today, will not go into it... but yes time to put on my study hat. It was sad it had to come to this before I get into gear. It turns out I am reather weak willed, I keep saying I will do this and I will do this... I "desire" to do many things but what stops me from acting on them? What stops me from making my desires actions? "Will" that is right.

Desire with Will becomes Action, without will desires remain simply that... Desires.

How did I let things get this bad? How did I manage to let myself drop this low? I am not sure, I need to get back onto the horse. Need to pick myself up and dust myself off. At this point there is no need to continously think of what I should have done then, rather, I need to think about what I am doing now and what I am going to do. I know I can do it, I know I can that person I used to be and more. I am capable of so much.

I leave with simply this:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson

5/4/12 Half done, Half to go,

Took long enough but I finally did some yard work. Half done and half to go. Big thanks to my little niece, probably wouldn't have started if she didn't stay the day. Her little smile made it somewhat fun, the time just flew by. The rubbish bin is almost full, have to wait till next week or so to continue. Good work, Good work!

Switching topics...
I have been working a lot lately mainly due to several reasons. The main one is that, in all honestly, I want to move out of home and live with Zoe - if she wouldn't mind. However, the whole idea of rent is something I don't like hence I want my own, well, our own place. Is it wrong to try and work towards this?

With this said, I am also looking into the ASX Stockmarket and thinking about giving it a shot. Its quite vast and there is a lot to learn but I am sure if I am willing I can both learn and make a lot money. Currently doing what I can learning and trying things out. Also, received a interesting proposal from Woolworths limited offering SPP - Share Purchase Plan. So, shares at a lower rate than the market price. How much lower? I am not sure, I am waiting for additional information. Although at this point it is sounding rather interesting after going through their business material and current performance reports.

My Goal: Get enough for at LEAST a deposit for my own, "our" own place next year.

30/3/12 Realisation

I am a SELFISH person.

14/3/12 Fixed

Car finally had its minor service today although I was a little silly and forgot to leave the service book on the passenger seat so.. as a result it wasn't signed! Serves me right for putting in another place other than the dashboard drawer. No matter, I still got the receipt and I figure they will be able to just sign it in a matter of months.. it shouldn't be too much of an issue.

I have a feeling I will fork out for a parking permit tomorrow for university... I figure I will be studying there for all 3 trimesters therefore it would be advisable I get one a.s.a.p to get the most value out of it I can possible get. On another note I probably will be purchasing my textbooks or at least consider it tomorrow also. Why is everything so expensive?... If only I could get a job that I pays me for doing nothing.. or as they say... If I do what I love then I will never work a day of my life.

7/3/12 No gym time

It got to today till I realized that having commitments is hard especially if you have these commitments with a friend also. It was so easy during the holidays when both of us had no plans, nothing to worry about but since then... he started work and I started school again. Either we have to work around it or we won't go... the last has proved true lately. I know for sure that myself, that I am not where I need to be and I really want to get there but am I all talk? I sincerely hope not. I know what I need to do and, as I have said before, I just need to get out there and do the damn thing.

On a completely other note... Big shout out to my girl ZOE...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Sadly I couldn't be with you today but as you know our weekend will be something very special. I will do everything I can to make it as perfect as possible. How can you be in my thoughts all the time I just don't understand it. Every time we are apart, I just have you in my mind... all I want is you. All the time... now and forever.

5/3/12 And so it begins

Another chapter closed and another one begins. What I am talking about is that my holidays have finished and yes that means my university semester has begun once again. Both excited and nervous. I have been rather slack in the studying department and I need to rectify that! I do have motivation now, and I am sure she will help me study... Won't she? As I keep saying I need to get my act and get organized. Lets go, 3 HDs this semester.

Gym training has been a little bit difficult as of late but time commitments and what not but I am still trucking along. I have a goal in mind and I know what I have to do. Just a matter of time till i get there.

Current workout progress is below....

Week 5 Progress
Weight: 66.5 kg
Photos:  

14/2/12

I didn't get up to too much today. It was a day filled with so much possibility but nope nothing came from it. Tomorrow will be much more productive. I already got an appointment with my course advisor. I set up all my subjects for the remainder of my course and I believe I got it all correct but doesn't hurt to show my intended study plans to a course advisor to make sure I got alll it correct. Shortly after I should have a gym session with Brian again. I take back what I said yesturday I can already see some changes and obviously I can see my slow increase in strength. Slowly, Slowly. And of coruse, later in the day I will be having work. It is quick a lot on my plate tomorrow but I know I will get it all done. No pressure. Time is short and I need to make the most of it.

24/1/12 Responsibility

How very true. I know I am for sure. So many silly things I have done, so many things I haven't done really blows my mind. If I knew things would turn out this week and this would be what I was doing 10 years ago, I would slap myself so very hard. Seriously need to grow up and stop relying on other people to things for me, need to get my head on straight. The people around me won't be here forever and I need to acknowledge that one day I will be on my own.

I am a simpleton that needs to grow up.

"Just need to do the damn thing."

Honestly I thought I would be happier, got got my stitches out moments ago and I have been given the all clear to go back into training once more. It has been a little under 2 years that I haven't been training and to be allowed to go back now just seems a little unreal... Guess it hasn't sunken in just yet. Slight future concern though, due to the shock absorbers in my right leg being partially removed, it is probably that I will get arthritis at a earlier age than what I could have expected otherwise. With this in mind the surgeon did suggest I be weary of high impact activities.

High Impact Activity:
An activity or exercise in which both feet leave the ground simultaneously. Some examples of high impact exercises would include running, jumping jacks, jump rope. High-impact activities can help strengthen the bones and some can help you develop more endurance, power, agility and coordination.

Surgeon suggested that I get get into cycling and swimming. Funny I don't really like either. I will have to think about what I want to do from this point forward.

12/1/12 Another Day

Nothing special to report today, another day wasted today. Spent a majority of the day on League of Legends. To think I had plans for the day, things to do. Alas, more and more excuses. Tomorrow promises to be more productive.

On a lighter note, my leg is finally feeling much better. The swelling has gone down quite a lot and now I am able to walk like a normal person, no need to pretend anymore. Looking at starting a light training program tomorrow for my leg. See how I am feeling tomorrow. Considering it was only minor surgery I hope to be in the swing of things relatively quickly. Might even head down to the dojo tomorrow, been missing those guys tremendously. Simply by being around those people, I feel like anything is possible and nothing is out of reach. Stark contrast to where I am now