29/4/12 Ungrateful

What a rough couple days, doesn't look like it is going to get easier either. Whilst saying this, how can I be so ungrateful for what I have yet others who have less be much happier and far more content? Sure I have had a rough couple of days but this pales in comparison the lives of many, I don’t know how lucky I am. Time to put that smile back on and one day I will mean it.

27/4/12 Wow-ser

Of all the subjects I have done before and units I have taken, this particular one "Ethics and Global Issues" is easily the best choice I have made. Hard to properly describe but it has gotten to the point where I have become to question my views regarding various topics, in a sense it has open my eyes to the world. The guest lecturer I had today really put us on the spot and made express and defend our points of view. As daunting as that may sound, it would rather refreshing to have our opinion heard and expressed rather than just spurting out definitions all the time. Whilst what we discussed may not be not strictly something I will use in my professional career, I know that the very act letting us to think is something I will take from this unit. Already looking forward to next week and moreso the next fortnight when I believe I will have the same guest lecturer.

26/4/12 Back in the Saddle

First off. Sorry. I can't apologize enough for what I didn't do the other night, it will be something I will be thinking of for the rest of my life. I let you down. I know that, there is nothing I can do to make for it. It is another one of those moments I would do differently if I had another chance. I don't know how long, or if you ever, will forgive me but if that day ever comes I will be sure to make sure you don't regret it. Just know that for the rest of my life I won't let anything like this happen again.

Now I got that off my chest, I shall move on. It has been a while since I have looked at and taken my studies seriously. I have fallen behind in university workload but I have no doubt I will be able to catch right back up in a week or so if I keep up what I did today. It is surprising much you can do when you are focused. I have someone to thank for that, it was hard to hear but someone had to tell me and I thank you. You have some high standards (in a good way) of what you want. Right now I understand I don’t fit the bill, but please wait for me, you flipped the switch… everything is slowly changing.

For those who remember my 30 day challenge? Sometime last year I decided to write "One Blade" for 30 days although it only lasted 10 or so days, I only stopped when I realised I was plagiarising someone else’s work a little bit. Re-reading some of me actually did impress me somewhat. One day the epic tales of adventure and fantasy of KINSEY will return this I assure you. Back on point, the challenge is coming back. In terms of me personally, I am going to try some positive affirmation every single morning and night. Quite frankly I have been telling myself some rather negative things for a very long time and over time I have begun to believe it, so with this in mind, if I do the opposite then the opposite will too will happen. Starting date: 26/4/2012

In other news... League of Legends is going going gone! In addition, my XBOX 360 is going to be listed eBay on Sunday - doesn't get any use at all since I got it, merely a DVD player. I don’t expect to get much considering some completed listing only managed to get $250-$300 or so but if I managed to get rid of it for a little cash little as it may be. It will go.

This is quite a lengthy post and it could have been longer but I shall sign off at this point. A lot is going on with me mentally and personally and these coming weeks will be a true test.

21/4/12 Ready, Set Go...

This is a only a little over a month till exams but I got a lot to catch up on yet there is still things I want to do outside of school work... like work and train just to name a few. Quite frankly, the biggest responsibility I have is to myself and my future. I have been letting myself down in so many way in these past months for a variety of reasons and I have come to the point where I am sick of it. Time to focus and get a move on. In this short time we spend on in this world, it takes too long for us to realise that Time is short and most of all Time is precious.

19/4/12 Give up

I Give up

17/4/12 Slapped in the face

Watch out don't get slapped!!

I think I had my wake up call today, will not go into it... but yes time to put on my study hat. It was sad it had to come to this before I get into gear. It turns out I am reather weak willed, I keep saying I will do this and I will do this... I "desire" to do many things but what stops me from acting on them? What stops me from making my desires actions? "Will" that is right.

Desire with Will becomes Action, without will desires remain simply that... Desires.

How did I let things get this bad? How did I manage to let myself drop this low? I am not sure, I need to get back onto the horse. Need to pick myself up and dust myself off. At this point there is no need to continously think of what I should have done then, rather, I need to think about what I am doing now and what I am going to do. I know I can do it, I know I can that person I used to be and more. I am capable of so much.

I leave with simply this:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” - Marianne Williamson

5/4/12 Half done, Half to go,

Took long enough but I finally did some yard work. Half done and half to go. Big thanks to my little niece, probably wouldn't have started if she didn't stay the day. Her little smile made it somewhat fun, the time just flew by. The rubbish bin is almost full, have to wait till next week or so to continue. Good work, Good work!

Switching topics...
I have been working a lot lately mainly due to several reasons. The main one is that, in all honestly, I want to move out of home and live with Zoe - if she wouldn't mind. However, the whole idea of rent is something I don't like hence I want my own, well, our own place. Is it wrong to try and work towards this?

With this said, I am also looking into the ASX Stockmarket and thinking about giving it a shot. Its quite vast and there is a lot to learn but I am sure if I am willing I can both learn and make a lot money. Currently doing what I can learning and trying things out. Also, received a interesting proposal from Woolworths limited offering SPP - Share Purchase Plan. So, shares at a lower rate than the market price. How much lower? I am not sure, I am waiting for additional information. Although at this point it is sounding rather interesting after going through their business material and current performance reports.

My Goal: Get enough for at LEAST a deposit for my own, "our" own place next year.

2/4/12 Relapse

Way to go Victor.
Love my Self-esteem.

Congratulations on wrecking her morning and put a tarnish on the rest of the day. Whats wrong with me? Do I really let my feelings of inadequacy spoil the precious time I had with Zoe? Yes I did. Wow. Jerk much? Can't even explain what happened, felt like someone just flipped the "not-good-enough switch". To think her happiness means everything to me and I just went there and stomped on it. She saw the negative side of me today... now all I can think about is what damage I have done to us. Will she forgive me? Am I thinking too much? Don't I always. There's another good habit. I remember someone saying that "Discipline is remembering what you want." What I said a long time ago still stands, I want to be with her forever.

Need to man up and get hold myself. You are better than this. Stop with the talk and do something about it Victor. All you have to do is be the person you always wish to be, the person that you are capable of. Is it that hard? All you have to do is listen to yourself. You know what is right. You know what you have to do. Just get out there and do the DAMN thing.